Woe is me!

Today begins my last week of "maternity" leave and the thought of going back to work makes me nauseous.  I can't believe that it's been 10 weeks already!  Between my doctor excused month off in June, summer vacation and my unpaid leave, I haven't worked in 5 1/2 months.  That's a lonnnng time! 

I feel so many different emotions about my return to work. 

I feel nervous- I'm going to be the new kid at school, what if the kids like the substitute better?
I feel relief- I will finally have a paycheck again. 
I feel thankful- I was able to stay home without pay for this long.
I feel concern- daycare costs $350/week (how in the world are we going to afford that and Christmas and living in general??). 
I feel comfort- I know my boys will be spending their days with a great person and her babies.
I feel happy- I will have daily adult conversation again (well sorta). 
I feel stress- About getting both my class and my babies on a new schedule.
I feel excitement- I will get to meet a new group of 1st graders and hopefully help them learn.

I feel sadness- I have to leave my babies.

Ethan and I have grown very close since his birth in July.  I am almost certain that he is going to be a mama's boy.  He lights up when he sees me and he quiets easier when its me doing the rocking and the shushing.  He has the most beautiful eyes and dimples.  His smile and laugh are infectious.  I just love him so much.  I was actually worried that I wouldn't be able to love him as much as I love my Brayden, but what they say is true, it is possible for your heart to love the second as much as the first. 

And Brayden, my Brayden.  I have enjoyed so much being able to be home with him (even if it was only Mondays and Fridays).  We got to do fun classes together like Bee, Bop & Tots and circle time at the library.  We got to have lunch with daddy on Fridays and do arts and crafts together.  Don't get me wrong- he tested my patience on most days but it really was a special time for me.  He is turning into such a smart, little boy and I feel lucky that I could spend that time with him. 

Next Monday I officially become a working mom again.  That's what I want.  I want to work.  And its what I need.  I need to work, for both my financial needs (and wants) and my mental health.  I just wish I had a job that was flexible about when I showed up (getting up at 5:30 and getting two babies and myself ready is a little stressful). 

My goal is to enjoy my week and not wallow in my own self-pity.  I will instead be thankful that I get Thanksgiving break, Christmas break, Spring break and summers to spend with my babies.  I will be thankful that I was able to have this time with them in the first place.